Struggle #27: The Pain Face

So there is this face I get while working out... Sometimes it is in the middle of the workout, when I am absolutely dying, and sometimes it comes out before a workout begins. When the "pain face" comes out before a workout begins, that is never good for me.

These past few months, I have really been trying to change my mental attitude in the gym. Instead of having a "I don't know if I can do this" attitude, I am trying to have an "I can do this" attitude. Overall, it has been going well, but I still struggle with it at times. It is hard to always have confidence in yourself (probably a reoccurring theme in my blog), but I definitely know that when I do have confidence in myself, it makes everything much easier.

As a physical therapist, I have learned that confidence is key. When discussing with a patient what I think is wrong with them on the first day, it is huge if I tell them in a confident manner. Even if I am not 100% confident about what's going on, if I give an answer with confidence and a plan on how to meet their goals, it creates a trusting bond with my patient. Trust is something that is hard to create but with confidence in me, their physical therapist, and my plan it helps create that bond. This is something that I have realized plays over into the CrossFit world for me.

If I TRUST in my abilities than I CAN do whatever I put my mind to.

Confidence.

Recently I have been putting more faith in my abilities. I have seen it pay off dividends and really help me excel in workouts. Instead of worrying about where everyone else is during a workout, I worry about what I am doing. How I need to break up the work, not how everyone else is doing it. I put my blinders on and do what I need to do in order to get the job done.

Yesterday, I felt myself take a step backwards. We were doing "Graren," Grace (which is 30 clean and jerks) and Karen (which is 150 wall balls), and I had already told myself I couldn't do it before we started. (Side note: I don't like wall balls, they used to hurt my knee and that many of them is just a daunting number for me). About a minute before the workout started, I felt my pain face come out... Uh O. Not good. I was already worked up and I hadn't even touched the bar yet.

I made myself run to the bathroom and collect my thoughts. I told myself that I can do this and to stop worrying about everything else. I walked out of the bathroom with the resolve that I was going to finish this workout no matter how long it took. Surprisingly, the workout wasn't near as bad as I thought it was going to be... Now don't get me wrong, it still sucked, but I was able to complete it in a timely manner and walk away proud that I mentally pushed through the workout as much as I did physically. I had trust in my abilities and it gave me the confidence to complete the workout.

I am especially going to need this resolve when I travel to Miami for the Wodapalooza competition. I have qualified as a RX individual and I will be competing against some great athletes. I am very excited for this opportunity, but I am also terrified. I know I will be pushed outside of my comfort zone in just about every workout and that I will have to find my inner confidence to do my absolute best. There will be a lot of people there and a lot of great athletes. Talk about overwhelming!

This past fall, I have put myself in multiple situations that I hope have helped prepare me for this bigger stage. I have competed in a few individual CrossFit competitions, a few team competitions, and a few olympic weightlifting competitions. I feel the weightlifting competitions will really help me out because it is only you and the barbell out there, with lots of people in the audience. I have had to find my confidence that I can pick up that barbell and complete my lift. Although they don't incorporate all the other CrossFit elements, they have taught me to trust in my abilities and have confidence.

Confidence is something that is difficult for me. I have definitely begun to have more confidence in my abilities but at times, it's hard to trust in myself. Slowly but surely I am getting there, but it takes time. I just keep telling myself to trust in my abilities and to leave the pain face at the door.

Struggle #26: Comparing Myself to Others

"Let whatever you do today be enough. Let go of the judgement you have about what you should be or could be doing, and today, allow yourself to simply be. Comparing yourself and your journey may be habitual, but it gets you no where. It makes you feel worse and it keeps you stuck. So stop fixating on where everyone else is, and start giving yourself permission to be exactly who you are..."

I came upon this quote today and it really resonated with me (More of the quote to follow).  I find myself often times comparing myself to others. The comparison goes beyond just the gym to me at work as well, but the focus of this post is my comparison of myself to others in the gym: thinking I am not strong enough, that my gymnastics are lacking, or that I should be doing more.

It is easy to get caught up in what everyone else is doing and to forget exactly what you are doing. I am sure there are a few people in my gym will think I am crazy saying this, but I am constantly trying to keep up with someone. Each person in my gym has their strengths, wether it be lifting, gymnastics, engine, or something else, and I feel like I don't shine in any of those.

Overall I am average at all of them and sometimes I find myself psyching myself out before we even start something.  This is definitely a weakness and something I have been working hard on.  I used to total psych myself out mentally before a workout. Thinking of how everyone else was going to do during it and how I was going to fail at it. I have started getting better at focusing on myself and trying to figure out where I can excel and figuring out how I am going to work through the really tough parts for myself.

In all honesty, it shouldn't matter how I do in comparison to anyone else. I do CrossFit for myself and for the joy I get out of it. I have enough things to worry about in life and if I constantly compare myself to others it just makes me go batty. So, I have been trying to take a step backwards and just do my best consistently. Figuring out how I can excel with the strengths God has given me and work upon those.

I have been working on this for the past few months and feel like it is starting to pay off. I competed at an individual competition recently, The Beast of the Metro East, and placed first in the RX girls! Overall, I kept a very level head, except for one workout and had a blast competing. I noticed when I didn't worry about others and focused on my strategy for how I was going to excel I did great and had fun. I am trying to continue carrying this attitude forward, in all aspects of life, because it keeps me in my happy place. If I keep worrying about what I can control, myself, and stop worrying about what others are doing, I will be in a good place. So here is to a healthy focus on myself and a decreased comparison of myself to others.

                                               ----The end of the quote above---
"Quiet the voice telling you to do more and be more, and trust that in this moment, who you are, where you are at, and what you are doing is enough. You will get to where you need to be in your own time. Until then, breathe. Breathe and be patient with yourself and your process. You are doing the best you can to cope and survive amid your struggles, and that's all you can ask of yourself. It's enough. You are enough." - Daniell Koepke

Writer's Block

So I have been sitting here for awhile trying to decide what to post on and I am really drawing a blank. I feel like I have touched on a lot of things that I am still kind of facing as a struggle and I am not sure I have found a glaring strength to write about yet. So instead of one specific topic, I will just kind of write about the recent few weeks.

My awesome teammates.
CrossFit St. Louis Black above.
A good number of CrossFit St. Louis competitors below.

The biggest thing in my CrossFit life is that I competed with my awesome teammates at the Heart of America Competition last weekend! We ended up placing 6th overall, which is the best we have ever done, and I had a blast. The workouts were very individually focused and there was a big placement on max lifts, which aren't necessarily are strength, but overall we did pretty well. I think as a team the girls worked great. For the most part we were able to compliment each other's strengths and weaknesses and that helped us excel. I honestly didn't get to work with any of the guys once, so I am not sure how they really worked together haha.

I feel I preformed really well given the tasks I was put up to. I was 5# under my max snatch, cycled a 125# barbell for shoulders to overhead really well, rowed crazy fast out of my mind, ran with a 70# sandbag for 400 meters, performed some GHD sit-ups crazy fast, and did come lovely chicken wing muscle ups after being exhausted from a 300 meter row sprint. My team overall also put up great performances, we were consistent throughout the weekend and showed we can compete with anyone really.

The weekend made me excited for what's in our future. I am not sure if we will be a regionals team yet, but if we choose to push for a team, I know we will be able to put a great team together. We have the tools and some great individuals, but we have to come together as a team to actually make it work. Either way, these next few months will be exciting!

Outside of CrossFit, I have really started to settle into my job and enjoy it most days. Some days just get crazy hectic, but overall it has been a really great experience. I feel very lucky that I truly enjoy my job and that most days fly by. My patient's are really what make my job for the most part, being able to play a role in getting them back to normal is really something that makes me smile. Discharging my first few patients, that I also evaluated, is a cool experience because it was really all me playing a role in getting them better.

I feel like I am slowly starting to get into a routine with work and working out, but some days are still just crazy. If I have to work from 6 am to 5 pm and try to fit a workout in during the evening, it is just tough. After a long day of being on my feet and making sure I am taking care of everyone the best I can, it is hard to get motivated to get to the gym and give it the rest of my strength.

How awesome are these shirts?

I recently read a blog post by Stacey Tovar, a huge CrossFit athlete, about if you want to be a big sponsored CrossFit athlete, you probably have to quit your day job. And after my first three months of working, I can see her point. I don't think it is impossible, but if you truly want to succeed in this sport at your highest potential, you have to make CrossFit your job. You could have a full time job on top of it, but outside of work and working out, you won't be doing much.

I am currently kind of in this situation of I could possibly be a lot more, but I could also achieve my full potential while working full time as well. I want to see what I can accomplish, but I also have to keep my expectations reasonable. I know that I will only be able to exercise at this caliber for so long, there are injuries, family, and a bunch of other things that pop up in the way. So while I try to find what my potential is in the CrossFit community and work full time, I have come to the conclusion that as long as I am enjoying what I am doing that is good enough for me. I know at this point in my young adult life career that I have worked too hard to get where I am and I don't want to give it up, so I just need to find a happy balance of PT and CrossFit and all will be good.

Probably the most exciting thing that has happened the past few weeks was seeing Taylor Swift in St. Louis. She was absolutely amazing and if the tickets didn't cost so much money, I would have seen her both nights, no questions asked. If you have the opportunity to see her, go. It will be worth it.

Struggle #26: PR's

I am going to go out on a limb and say that almost every CrossFitter walks into the gym wanting to hit a PR (personal record or heaviest weight lifted) everyday.  I am no exception. I love hitting PRs and when it is max out day, you better believe that I want to hit a PR lift. I am a competitive individual and PR'ing my lifts is one way I can see how I am getting better.

This past week, our programming included max lifts in just about every lift we do and a prime opportunity to hit PRs in my lifts. We have been doing a lot of strength volume recently so I was really excited to see where I was in my lifting endeavors. I was lucky enough to tie or get a new PR in every lift, but of course I was left wanting a little bit more on some days.

I take my want for more as both stupid and beneficial. On one hand, it is stupid, because tying or hitting PRs, when we aren't really supposed to be is huge. So me being slightly upset seems silly. But on the other hand, it is beneficial because it leaves me hungry for more. I have these over-arching goals that keep me striving to do better. If I ever lose that drive, then I need to move on to something new because in my mind there is no reason competing if you aren't trying to make yourself better.

Walking away from some of the days, I was super positive, but other days I was not. It is sometimes hard for me to understand the why behind everything, which is funny because when it involves my physical therapy patients, I really seem to understand it. But when it is directed straight about me, sometimes I have a hard time seeing the why at the end of the tunnel.

#fail

I discussed with one of my coaches this past weekend in trusting the programming and just having faith in what we are doing. It is harder said than done for me sometimes, but walking away from the week and looking back on it, I really feel positive in the programming we are doing. Every single lift is just as strong as it was before. I may not be making huge number jump but at the point I am in my career, I can't expect those big jumps every day. I know when the time comes and I am rested for my lifts, I will be ready to go.

So in retrospect of the week, here are a few take aways...

• The consistency in my lifts has improved greatly, I am able to hit max numbers or a few pounds off frequently. 
• I have become more comfortable with my technique in the olympic lifts.  
• I am able to cycle the barbell so much quicker than I could before. 
• My grip strength is improving (which I am not sure if that is from my job as a PT or programming).
• And the biggest thing I have realized on reflection of this week is that I am enjoying being in the gym  again. I look forward to lifting and to the gymnastics workouts. I can approach the WODs with a level head and perform well on them. And I can walk away from the gym in a good mood, no matter what happens (for the most part). 

The smile after a fail, no joke.

So cheers to my PRs this week, but also cheers to enjoying the process again. While PRs may not come daily, and that is hard to accept at times, there is still something to find joy in at the gym at the end of every day.

Struggle #25: Enjoying the Ride

One thing that has always been a strong suit for me is setting goals. And with those goals comes lists on how to achieve them. I like thinking through the process and figuring out how to get there. It keeps me focused and helps me work toward my goals in a "controlled" manner. And let's be honest who doesn't love crossing off one of their goals and looking forward to new and exciting things?

I have set some big goals for myself in the CrossFit world, with one of them being to attempt to make CrossFit Regionals as an individual. I know this is a huge goal and honestly will be near impossible to achieve but I have to go for it, because if I don't then I will always regret it. With this goal in mind, I started putting a lot of pressure on myself and it really made me start resenting going to the gym. I literally was going to the gym, having a terrible time, working out in what was my eyes poorly, and then leaving in a bad mood.

I was pretty down on myself and wondering why am I even doing this. I am just starting a full time job, trying to figure out a schedule, and figure out how to have a life on top of it all. It got me thinking, maybe my goals are too big for what I can actually accomplish and questioning if I needed to reevaluate where I was.

It took one of my friends, who has similar goals, asking me what it would mean to me if I made regionals for me to break out of my funk and really think about why I want to do this. My first thought was it would prove to myself that all the hard work, pain, tears, and sacrifices paid off and were worth it. I would be able to prove to myself that I am strong (not just in a weights way) and mentally tough. As a preface, when I say everything was worth it, I am not saying if I don't make it the hard work, pain, tears, and sacrifices weren't worth it, because they still would be. With everyday, I learn something new about myself and learn that I am tougher than I thought I was, but making it would be a whole new level.

Sitting down and thinking about this really made me realize that I need to enjoy the journey because the odds of me making it are small. But if I enjoy the process along the way then everything will be worth it no matter what happens. The biggest thing I have to remember is that I am doing this for fun, for the joy of it. I will never be good enough to make a living off of working out, I will always have to have some other main source of income like 99.9% of the CrossFit athletes. I pay a lot of money to get my butt handed to me so if I am not enjoying it, then I should probably put that money toward something else.

I am trying to have a better attitude in the gym daily. If I am unable to do something I need to leave it at the door as I exit and move on. Some days are just going to be bad days at the gym, plain and simple. I need to learn to rely on those around me to keep the atmosphere light and fun. I am lucky to be surrounded by a great group of people that celebrate my success with me and pick me up when I fail. That is a rare thing to have and I have started to recognize that I need to take advantage of this.

What ever is supposed to happen is going to happen. I can put in all the effort I possibly can and still come up short, so the ride to get to the open needs to be enjoyable. I know I am lucky enough to have a great support system at my gym and that they will help me enjoy this journey, but I also have to remember this is for my love of CrossFit, not really for anything else.

So I am going to try to sit back (or work my butt off in the gym) and enjoy the ride.

Struggle #24: The Real World

The foursome in our fancy Doctorate garb

So a lot has happened to me in the past few months and I apologize for not blogging that much... Or at all. I have been on a wild ride but I finally feel like I am starting to get into the groove of everything.  It has taken me this long to blog because I knew once I started this up again that I can't fall off of it.  So here I am ready to be a dedicated blogger again. I have really found that this is a great outlet for me and my thoughts so bear with me as I type away!

First thing is first... I graduated from graduate school and I am officially a Doctor of Physical Therapy! It has been really hard for me actually use the title of doctor because I feel really weird saying it. But everyone around me seems to think it is fun to use, so it seems to roll a little easier off the tongue for me now a days. With becoming a real life physical therapist comes the reality of needing a job, so that is how the beginning of my summer started off.

I was lucky enough to have a connection through my CrossFit gym that got me in contact with a private practice called TheraPlus, whose owner was looking to hire someone. I was nervous about interviewing and everything else it entailed but the job seemed to be almost a perfect fit for me. I get to work with individuals from the age of 6-92 basically and almost everyone is relatively active, healing from an injury, or training to get in better shape. I remember calling my mom after the interview and saying I think I found a job!

She along with many others were nervous about me taking the first job offer I was given, but I had a good feeling about the place. I officially started working there about six weeks ago and things have honestly been going really well. The biggest thing I can say is there is still so much I need to learn. SLU prepared me well for being an entry level PT, but I didn't realize this entry level title really meant I am starting with little knowledge compared to my boss who has fifteen plus years of experience on me.

If you ever need PT and are in the
St. Louis area, look me up!

With each patient I learn something new, whether it be about therapist/patient relationship, ways to mobilize someone, or different exercises to do for things. I am working hard to provide the best possible care I can and I feel like for the most part I do a pretty darn good job. But I definitely get super excited when I do something right and see that what I am doing is benefitting my patient. I hope this is something I never lose.

Starting a real world job has been exhausting for me. My hours right now are all over the place so finding a consistent schedule has been near impossible and not to mention my boss left me alone in the clinic my fourth week there while he and his family went on vacation. Some days I come home completely wiped out and I am thankful I only have to take care of myself at the moment. If I was trying to get adjusted to the real world with a family, pets, or other major responsibilities I know I would be a lot more stressed. Major props to everyone that does that!

The past two weeks I have really gotten better about my diet again. I have locked in on eating good food that is going to fuel my body appropriately. With that being said, that means I have really stepped up my meal preparation again. I have always been great at packing lunches but dinner and breakfast are sometimes hard for me to get a move on. For breakfast my easy solution has been making an egg casserole with a bunch of delicious things in it and for dinner I am trying to make meals I will eat as left-overs so I am not tempted by fast food (mainly Chipolte...). Meal prep seems to make my life so much easier, so I am really trying to stay on top of that.

Always staying busy with
my CrossFit crew

The hardest thing for me right now without a consistent schedule is trying to figure out when I am going to train for CrossFit. I still have big goals that I wish to achieve, but with a varying schedule everyday it is hard to stay consistent in what I want/need to do. I have been fortunate enough to find time to go to the gym everyday but sometimes all I feel like I do is work, workout, eat, and maybe sleep.

I also notice when I have a long day at work and head straight to the gym that my attitude toward working out may not be the most positive thing. I always feel better after working out and that is one of the main reasons I go every day, but I need to work on being excited to be there from the get go. A negative attitude to start with can quickly lead to a downhill slide for the rest of the day, so I try to remind myself everyday of my goals and what it takes to get there. It seems to make me focus better and have a better attitude.

So really to sum it all up, my life hasn't been that exciting the past few weeks. It has mainly been wake up, go to work, head to the gym, come home and try to find something to eat, unwind for a few minutes, and then head to sleep. If I am lucky I squeeze a shower into that mix but sometimes that's just too much effort. Just kidding! I always shower after working out. And wash my hair even though apparently that's bad for your hair.

But anyways, I promise to start posting regularly on here again so stay tuned for the struggles and strengths of yours truly.

I was lucky enough to go to Disney World with my family this summer.
Probably one of my highlights! Everything is magical there. 

Strength # 10: Lists

One thing I love to do is make lists. They help keep me focused and on track with what I am doing. I make lists of things that need to get done, goals for myself, and of course groceries, to name a few. Without them I would be lost. And one of my favorite things about lists is crossing things off of them... It is such a satisfying feeling! This past semester I have had some big things on my lists and finally I have been able to cross some things off and I am really close to crossing more huge things off. I mean some of these are life changing events so it is a pretty exciting time in my life right now!

So here are a few things I crossed of my list the past few weeks!

My awesome teammates and I
after a workout.

1. I competed at the Fittest team of the Metro East on a team with two beasts, Jen and Katie! We did awesome working together as a team and took first place! This was a much needed experience for me since I cant compete at the CrossFit Regionals event this year.

2. I finished my last two assignments for PT school ever!!!!! I cant even begin to explain to you how the past six years have led up to this moment!

Sadie and I are over
studying for boards

3. I took my PT boards to see if I am officially competent enough to practice as a physical therapist... As if the past six years weren't enough proof. And no I don't know my results yet so please don't ask. The FSBPT decides to torture us for 10 days.

Some up and coming things I am about to check off my list...

1. I finish up my last clinical rotation this coming Thursday! I don't even know what to think about that... I am almost completely done with PT school! Yikes!

Me out exploring KC

2. I get to move back to St. Louis on Thursday! One of my favorite places and hopefully settle down there for a little bit! I have truly enjoyed all the places I have been for my clinical rotations but I am ready to be in one place for awhile (so it's safe to say traveling PT isn't for me).

3. I graduate from Saint Louis University School of Physical Therapy in 10 days! 10 days and that is it! I know everyone always says the real world isn't as exciting as it seems but honestly I am ready. I have been in school for 6 years and I am ready to get out, make a little money, and not have to study every single night. I am ready to be on my own for a bit!

My snuggle and
study buddy in KC

4. Graduating means I need to find a big girl job as a physical therapist! While this is scary it is also pretty exciting. I get to find a job that I love and work on getting people healthy again! I am stoked.

5. I have to start coming up with a plan for CrossFit and where I want to take my training. I know I have big goals and to accomplish those I have to be at the to of my game and it's going to take me a lot of effort to get there.

Wow. So these are all pretty big things that are coming u in my life. And while most of these items on my list are a little scary, I am ready to take them on head first. I am going to come up with an action plan and carry through on each and every one of them. It will be a interesting ride I am sure but I am so excited for it!

Two of the biggest lists I am making right now are my goals for CrossFit for the rest of the year and job advertisements (ok, so I haven't started the second one quite yet...). I am excited to see what the rest of 2015 has in store for me. I know there will be some big changes and it is going to be a hard year but I know everything will be worth it.

Here is to an exciting future!

CrossFit Open 2015: A Roller Coaster Ride

Wow this CrossFit Open season has been a roller coaster ride for me.

It started last year after competing on the CrossFit St. Louis Regionals team... As a team we ended up placing fourth! One spot away from going to the games. As a team we sat down afterwards and said we were going to focus on team this coming year. Even if someone made regionals individually we were going team. It created a great focus for me throughout the year. Every time I struggled with a workout I thought about my team and how I was letting them down and it helped me push through. It made me a better athlete.

Being a physical therapy student, we have to travel for our clinical rotations. I found out last summer that my last two rotations from January-May of 2015 were not located in St. Louis and I was pretty upset. Not about the locations, per-se, but that I wouldn't be able to train with my teammates everyday and I thought I wouldn't be able to compete with them this year. However,  looking though the Cross-Fit rule book, it stated that college students, even if they are traveling due to schooling, will compete for the gym and region that their school is in. So I went on for 8 months believing I was totally in the clear competing for CrossFit St. Louis' team.

Fast forward 8 months and it is two days before the CrossFit Open begins. I get an email from CrossFit headquarters stating someone was questioning my integrity and if I actually was a part of CrossFit St. Louis. They wanted all of my training logs and pictures of me at the gym for proof that I train at CrossFit St. Louis. Apparently, we had misread the rules and although I am in the clear to be a part of my home gym due to school, I wasn't meeting the standards of training at St. Louis more than 50% of the time in order to be a part of the team.

Photo credit: scissortail photography

So a day before the open started, I was told I couldn't be a part of the team. The team that I had been training with all year long. And because of 7-8 weeks of the year I wasn't training at CrossFit St. Louis I wasn't allowed to be a part of the team. Even though all of my other training was at St. Louis and I have literally become the athlete I am there, I am not allowed to be a part of the team. I was devastated. I felt like all of my hard work was for nothing. I had no goals anymore. All of my goals were centered around being a part of the team. And I felt like I had no time to refocus and get ready to participate in the open.

I had great support from everyone in my gym. They all tried to keep me motivated and positive. Most of them were telling me to shoot for making it as an individual, which in my mind was the stupidest thing they ever said. There was no way I was going to make it as an individual. My goal for this open was top 100 in the North Central (top 30 get a potential an invite to Regionals) and I knew that top 100 was going to be extremely tough.

I performed the first workout on a Friday morning before work. I did alright but definitely felt like I didn't live up to my potential. I walked away from that workout hurt, upset, and really down on myself. All the training I had been doing for the past 7-8 weeks on my own was for nothing, I felt like I had absolutely nothing to show for it. I had basically given up on being able to do anything in the open and was really over CrossFit.

Thankfully I have some good friends in STL that encouraged me to keep my heavy head up. One in particular, Matt, sat down and devised a plan for me that even gave me an exact warm-up. I was totally dragging my feet to redo it because what did it even matter anymore, but he was persistent and he got me to do it again and I saw huge improvements. 15.1 jumped from 175 to 188 and 15.1a jumped from 172# to 182# (1# under my clean and jerk PR!). At the end of the first week I was sitting in 90th and actually pretty proud of that.

Week two came around and I was able to do it in STL, which makes a huge difference. Not that the other gyms I have been training in are bad by any means, but having your people there to cheer you on makes a difference. Since 15.2 was a repeat of 14.2, it was easy to see how a year's worth of training paid off. I made a 59 rep improvement from last year, which is huge for me and I was extremely happy with it.

Week 3 was a long workout that somewhat suited my strengths. I did it for the first time right after driving 4 hours from Kansas City to STL and actually threw up a pretty decent score, but I felt like I had more again. I retested it on Sunday with a group of people cheering me on and threw up a huge score for me. Something I was very proud of. At the end of the third week, I was slowly starting to have confidence in myself but I still needed some positive words from those around me to keep me reaching high.

Week 4 played into my wheelhouse with the handstand push-ups. I shocked the hell out of myself and placed 18th overall in the region on this workout! Holy cow! I never ever expected to do that well. At the end of the week I was 47th in the region... Wow. I think this was probably the first moment where I saw myself as a competitor in the region. Up until that point I didn't have the faith in myself that I could actually compete with these girls.

Week 5 was a terrible workout and somehow I was convinced to do it a second time... I am not quite sure how that worked out but I am glad that I did. After putting in my first score, I realized I wasn't going to have a shot at making the top 60 girls in the region, which is something that I wanted to do after the fourth week. Even with being sick, I was able to push myself through the pain of the workout one last time and take :44 seconds off my time. Something that boosted me back onto the front page of the leaderboard and helped me land 50th overall in the North Central region. (50 spots better than my "far fetched" goal).

I cannot believe where I ended up at the end of the CrossFit Open. It still shocks the crap out of me but it is something I am very proud of. While I may not have gotten an individual invite to regionals, I learned a lot of things! Here are a few of them...

1. I am strong inside and out. I trained for 9 weeks basically by myself and was able to push myself through a lot of workouts that I never thought I could. Pushed through a lot of things without help from anyone else.
2. I have a lot to be proud of and I am allowed to be proud of it.
3. I need to get stronger... A lot stronger.
4 Confidence is huge. I know this and I know it is something I need to work on. But once I got a little confidence this open season, it helped me a lot.
5. I have the best gym and community at CrossFit St. Louis. Their love, support, and help when I was down helped drive me to do the best I possible could.
6. People do mean things to others for no apparent reason. Someone reported me and called me out for not meeting the standards was down right mean. While I wasn't meeting the rules for competing on a team, I literally had no idea this was the case and was not intentionally trying to break the rules. Someone called me out trying to dismantle our team and stop us from qualifying for regionals. Well guess what it didn't work because CrossFit St. Louis still has a team going to regionals, ready to kick butt.
7. To add to that... This individual showed me that I am a force to be reckoned with. They gave me the power to focus on myself and see what I could do standing alone. Because of that I was able to show myself just how far I have come and how close I am to ultimately reaching my goals. I finished 50th in my regional this year. If this was last year, I would be going to regionals as an individual. Holy crap. That is something to be proud of and to hang my hat on.
8. Next year I am going to be ready to go. Ready to show everyone exactly what I am made of. So you better be on the lookout for me.

A comparison of last year's finish (top) to this year's finish (bottom).
Huge improvements for me. Ready to compete with the big girls... Almost

Strength #8: Coaching

The PND State Swim Team!

So it's been awhile since I have posted anything and I apologize for that. My life has been crazy between studying for boards, clinicals, moving from Champaign to Kansas City, and saying goodbye to my host family and meeting my new one! These past few weeks have been a whirl wind for me and to top it all off I had a few swim meets to attend as well! (IHSA Sectionals and State!)

So anyways, on to my strength... Last year I was home in Peoria for a clinical rotation and I had the opportunity to help out the Peoria Notre Dame boys swim team after work everyday. It originally just started out as a little thing on the side, but as the season went on, I became more and more invested with the team. I was at the pool everyday coaching them, at every meet cheering them on, and I even used my PT knowledge and wrote dryland (swimmer's weights) for them.

Where is the "selfie stick" when you need it?

As the 2014-2015 season rolled around, the head coach asked if I wanted to help out again. Although I was going to be away for most of the season, I of course said yes and made it to every practice and meet that I could. I wrote dryland practices for the boys and helped out the coach in whatever way I could. The team accepted me as a coach and made me feel like a part of the team.

Shawn, the head coach, and I

This experience of coaching the boys team the past two years has been incredible for me. I have learned so much about coaching and it has made me realize that I would love to be a high school swim coach at some point in my life. The reward you get from working with the kids is amazing, whether they are beginner swimmers or state medalists. Every single one teaches you something (no matter how stupid and immature it might be) and in return you hope you teach them something.

Just last weekend with the boys, I got to watch my baby brother and his team get second overall at the State Swim meet. A pretty darn impressive feat considering there is one class for high school swimming, not six like there is for football. These boys are literally the second best team in the entire state! In the back of our minds we thought a state trophy may be in the cards but we really had no idea how everything was going to play out. Thankfully, at the prelims on Friday night the boys swam out of their minds and set up a perfect day for Saturday's finals.

Myself and the other coaches spent the night scoring the meet and talking strategy for the next day and we super excited to see how it would all play out. Sure enough Saturday came and the boys swam great. The meet was so close that it came down to us having to win the last relay to get a trophy. And sure enough the boys did exactly that! They swam like gangbusters and earned a second place trophy by one point over the two teams that tied for first. The feeling as a coach watching these boys give it their all was amazing. I was literally jumping up and down, screaming for them, and beaming with pride. Everything came together at the right moment. Every single boy on that team swam out of their mind and I could not be more proud of these boys.

This weekend at State gave me such a sense of happiness that it made me realize this is something that I want to do further on down the road. Now I am not writing about as a strength because I am the best coach in the world, because I am the first to admit that is not true. But helping coach these boys to their success made me realize how important it is to find things you love.

Second place gets to jump in too!

I clearly love CrossFit and everything it has given to me, but as I quickly learned a few weeks ago, I may not always be able to do what I want with it. However, turning around and having something else that you love to do can helped keep me focused, driven, and happy. I learned a few weeks ago putting "all your eggs in the same basket," for lack of a better term, places a lot of your happiness there. It is important to have a balance and something else to look forward to so your happiness doesn't rely on one thing.

Mark, Grant, and I. Always proud of
the little brother.

I know my future job as a PT will bring me a lot of happiness and satisfaction, along with CrossFit, and hopefully swim coaching one day. Spreading myself out (but not too thin) to the things I look forward to will help bring me happiness in my life. It will help keep my focused in every aspect but allow me to enjoy the process as well. Being able to switch between mindsets will be a welcomed situation for me and help me maintain a balance between life and all other things.

A few more thoughts... I literally could not be more proud of the PND swim boys. They work their a** off as each and every practice and really stepped up when the time called for it. My brother Grant dropped 7 seconds in his 200 IM this season (9th in the state), 4 in the 100 fly (10th in the state), 4 in the 100 free (1st in the state on the relay!), and countless others in all of his other event he didn't swim at state.  And every boy on the team did just this the entire season. It was so much fun to be a part of and I can't say enough good things about these boys. They reaffirmed the importance of coaching in my life sometime down the line. So thank you boys for showing me the love.

Struggle #23: Valentine's Day

So Valentine's Day isn't a struggle for me because my Facebook status is "single." I have become much more confident in myself and that is not something that I must have anymore. Although I admit I do like having someone to snuggle up with during a movie. It's more of a struggle because of all of the sweets that accompany it, tempting me in every way possible.

I definitely wasn't successful in overcoming all of the temptations... We had so many sweets at the house that friends had made for Valentine's day or my host mom's birthday. There were heart shaped cookies, kiss cookies, chocolate, and my downfall a chocolate chip cookie cake. I was pretty contained for the most part but that darn cookie cake will do me in. Thankfully they are taking it to work tomorrow so I don't have to look at the darn thing anymore!

But reflecting upon Valentine's Day and all of the sweets really made me look at how I have been eating the past few weeks. Surprisingly, it has been pretty darn good. I would say I am about 70/30 on the whole Paleo thing. For the most part I eat non-processed food that keeps my body fueled well. It has been great that the family I am living with has sort of adapted this lifestyle as well and really helped me stay on track in my eating. It is nice not having bad temptations in front of me all the time. And it has been great having leftovers for lunch the next day.

My 30% of not Paleo consists of a little dairy... The first thing is I have a glass of milk every night for dinner. We have Oberweis milk and according to my brother it is the best milk around. I feel like I need to take advantage of this opportunity while I have it haha. But in all honesty, I have always been a huge milk drinker and just something about it makes me very happy at night. Also, the calcium in it is an added bonus! So milk (and my once a week ice cream) may account for about 7% of my non-Paleo. The other 23% is probably in carbohydrates. With how much I have been training, and how much I am on my feet throughout the day, I feel like I need a dew more of these than I used to. I find if I don't eat any carbs really my body gets very tired and that is never a good thing. My biggest thing with carbs is just making sure I eat them in moderation. If I stuff myself I can tell and my body doesn't like that either... It is a delicate balance but something that I am learning to balance out.

Ok, ok. So 6% of my non-Paleo is definitely sweets. I have found that if I allow myself something small everyday it keeps my sweet craving to a minimum which is always good because I could gorge myself if I wanted to. Besides Saturday, I really have been eating them in moderation.  I have never been a huge packaged sweet individual, but those baked goods will get me every time. Usually,  I allow myself one little sweet a day. Sometimes I don't need it, but sometimes it helps me curb my cravings. I figure if I work out hard and well then this is acceptable. I know it is not perfect, but it works for me and helps me stay controlled.

The one thing I have noticed about diet which I never really thought I would say is how much it affects me if I eat poorly for a few days. My body rejects the food and I feel sluggish. I used to eat whatever I wanted and not know any better, but now that I have been eating well, I can really notice a difference if I do not. More motivation to keep me on track for sure.

So in other big news, I officially signed up for the 2015 CrossFit Open. I am excited, nervous, and ready all at once. I hate the anticipation they put into it every week. I wish they just put all of the workouts out there and we had to do them in one weekend. But alas it doesn't work like this and I will have to patiently await the announcement every week. I am ready for this to get underway though so I can see how my hard work this past year has paid off. I have retested a few of the workouts from last year these past few weeks and have seen huge improvements. I know everyone else in the world is improving as well but I am hoping I have done a little bit more than some of them. But who knows. I am just trying to go into it with an open mind and get ready to attack whatever is thrown at me.

Also, just an FYI. I am studying for my PT boards right now. So blogging may not be at the top of my list to do these next few months. I will keep trying to post about once a week, but after I get done studying at night, all I want to do is turn my mind off. Hopefully on my off day from studying I can find the power to blog but no promises are being made! And sorry for no pictures in this blog. For some reason my phone isn't connecting to my computer. When I get it figured out I will upload a few!

SuperWOD Sunday Throwdown!

This past weekend I hosted a competition at my gym, CrossFit St. Louis! It was called SuperWOD Sunday Throwdown and it came together with the help of the individuals at my gym. It was such a success that we are making it an annual competition and I could not be more excited! But in all reality it could not have happened without the help of the members of my gym and all the individuals that came out to participate.

My partner in crime planning this!

I originally had this idea about 2 months ago and I approached one of the owners of the gym, JoAnna, with my idea. When I sent her all of the information I expected her to either say "no" or to take the reigns and plan this event. However, she emailed me back and said that if I wanted to put this together and run it, then go for it. I was a little hesitant at first because I knew there would be a lot of work to go into this and with me out of town I wasn't sure how I was going to get it all done. However, one of my good friends at the gym, Jacob, stepped up and said he would help me plan this and Matt another friend said he would help in anyway possible as well. These two gave me the confidence that we could pull this competition off.

The calm before the storm. WOD debriefing!

When we gave JoAnna the heads up that we wanted to do this, she immediately helped us start marketing for the competition because we had about four weeks until our competition date. We were going to open up 60 spots for two person teams and see how it went. I was just praying that teams were going to sign up and this wasn't going to be a flop but within a week all the spots had sold out! After the first person signed up, Jacob and I were bouncing off the wall and when we sold out we were ecstatic. But soon after that, I realized we had 120 people competing at our gym, plus all the spectators and other personnel there and that this was going to be huge! There was no room for error.

Planning out all of the details was intense. The biggest thing we had to do was test the workouts and make sure they were going to be alright. This required MANY trial runs, tweaking of the WOD components, and overall just a lot of effort! To make sure we had workouts that everyone could successfully do was a challenge, but in the end, I think we succeeded pretty well. We had a strength WOD, a row/AMRAP workout, and of course a chipper to finish it off. 3 WODs, 5 scores we were ready to go...

Ha that's funny. There were so many details we had to work out that between 4 people we had 16 email threads (with an average of 20 emails on each). That is a lot of communication... Thankfully the four of us worked together and we were able to think of everything that we needed to get done. The week leading up to the competition was super busy working out the details, I had so many lists of things to do, but when I got to St. Louis on Friday night, we were ready to go and get everything ready for Sunday.

The amazing volunteers!

Really this competition would have not have been possible without all of the volunteers from out gym that stepped up to help us out. We had the entire CrossFit St. Louis competitors class plus a few more members help us run this competition. On Saturday after our fun team workout, everyone stayed afterwards to help tape the lanes, rearrange the gym, and move all the weights and bars to where they needed to be. Sunday they were incredible judges that held everyone to the standards but were kind about it and cheered for each team in every workout. We got a lot of compliments on how fair and great they were and I could not be more proud to hear this!

Throughout the entire competition, the volunteers' help with registration, scoring, and resetting for every workout to keep the competition running smoothly and on time. At the end, the volunteers helped us take everything down and it was all cleaned up 30 minutes after we were done. Talk about amazing teamwork right there. Everyone did this without complaint and it really made me appreciate even more the great family I have here.

I was so nervous for Sunday and the competition that it almost made me sick, but looking back on it, it was totally worth it. I got to see so many people compete that were all from different backgrounds. For many people it was their first competition and for others they had competed multiple times. But everyone was there giving it their all the entire day. It was so awesome to see many people who have never been "athletes" in their life so passionate about fitness. While walking around and announcing the competition I had a strange sense of pride for everyone that was competing. It takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there and compete in front of so many people and in doing it, it makes you a stronger person. People may think we are crazy, but the community that has been built around this premise is incredible and makes you love CrossFit even more.

Most of the athletes!

So in conclusion of this weekend, I fell in love with CrossFit St. Louis and the community within it even more. I am so thankful for the amazing friends I have met through this sport and I don't know what I would do without it. I cannot express enough gratitude to Jacob, Matt, and JoAnna for all of their hard work to help me complete this. The countless hours, emails, and planning that went into this was all worth it and I am proud of us! The members of the gym are incredible, both in volunteering and competing! I was so excited to see the CrossFit St. Louis logo all over the gym! The competitors, no matter what level, are amazing! How many people put themselves out there like that? Not many. And the spectators that came to watch were an amazing crowd. At one point Jacob and I looked at each other and just said "wow" because the crowd was so great.

We did it! Thank you boys!

JoAnna and I! Thank you so much for helping
me plan this! You also did an amazing job
competing for your first time! 

So thank you to everyone that was a part of this experience. It is something I will never forget! And hopefully I will see you all in the years to come either at the gym, other CrossFit competitions, or just life.

Struggle #22: Am I Doing Enough?

This past weekend I had the opportunity to compete at the Springfield IceBreather Classic! This competition was a much needed for me. I have been beating myself up in the gym by myself for the past 4 weeks and with that leads to a lot of uncertainty and questioning of myself...

Am I training hard enough? Am I able to get in enough volume in limited timing? Am I trying to compact too many things in an hour? Is everyone in STL kicking my butt? Am I pushing myself hard enough? Should I be doing two-a-days everyday? Am I the only one who feels like crap? Will I be ready to put my best foot forward during the CrossFit Open?

Got Questions?
We have answers.

Yes, I am full of questions. The list above is not all inclusive, but it does include a lot of the questions that I have been asking myself about my training. It is incredibly hard training on my own. Especially when doing the programming from CrossFit Invictus, alone... daily. I know I am pushing myself as hard as I can, because my body is tired daily, but there is always that person in the back of my head saying could you have gone any faster? Most days the answer is "no" but I definitely question myself a lot.

And this is good and bad... It is good because it keeps me honest. It makes me work my hardest everyday. But it also is bad because constantly asking myself these questions can sometimes drive me insane. I have set goals for myself and one of those is to be on the CrossFit St. Louis regionals team. While that goal can not be achieved until I complete the CrossFit Open, this weekend showed me that it is definitely still achievable and that is what I needed to see for myself.

This weekend showed me that I am doing well with my training. I am able to hang with some of the top notch girls and this was exciting for me to see. It proved to me that all of the countless hours that I have spent in the gym alone have been worth it and my training isn't suffering. I was so relieved to see this!

Jen and I! 4th place finishers!

I also got to compete with my training partner Jen and if communication was part of the open, I have no doubt that we would both be on the regionals team.  We are literally able to move through a workout with no issues what-so-ever. When one person is tired, the other one steps in and vise-versa. In all four workouts we walked off the competition floor proud of each other and happy with our performances and that is the best feeling in the world. When you can seamlessly communicate it makes the workouts go so much smoother. I know this is something we need to work on as a team as well for regionals. While I may not be able to be at team training every week, I am excited to be in STL next weekend to train with all of my teammates for a few days!

One of the best parts was that I got to see a lot of my close friends from the gym. While texting is great, hugs and face to face communication are five hundred times better. Also one of my teammates and a fellow PT student helped me fix my back which has been bothering me for the past month! I feel so much better now! Glad we are finally putting our knowledge to use! I have missed all of my CrossFit friends a lot and I was so happy to see a group of them this past weekend! It gave me more fire to keep training hard and put in the work to be able to support and be on a team with these people. That's half the battle of a regionals team is team camaraderie!

Scooby snuggled in the couch

This weekend made CrossFit a lot more fun for me again. I really think it helped me realize that my training is not pointless. It has a purpose and every hour I put in by myself will be rewarded. It showed me that I am doing enough and I can relax a little bit and have some more fun with what I am doing! After all who likes to exercise for time for torture? It gave me hope for our regionals team because we keep showing that we are a force to be reckoned with and I am very excited to be a part of that! It showed me that I will be ready for the open when it comes and hopefully regionals and whatever lies beyond that.

Something that has really been helping me stay on top of my training is the family I am staying here with in Champaign. They have started to eat semi-paleo and the mom had decided to make 3 paleo meals a week. Let me tell you the food has been amazing and it has been fun watching them enjoy the food too! I take leftovers in for lunch daily and my co-workers are usually jealous of how good everything smells and looks. It has been such a blessing for me to have some healthy options in front of me, which helps decrease some of the cravings that I have... However the constant cookie dough may be a slight, yet delicious, problem. Haha oh well, you only live once.

On top of competing and seeing my friends, I also got to ride a horse this weekend! It was so much fun and something I haven't done in years! It was such a relaxing and fun experience and it gave me something exciting to do on my very lazy Sunday!

<-- Piper and I!

Random, yet needed summary of this post... the best thing this weekend showed me was that YES I am doing enough in regards to CrossFit and my training. I am doing my best and that's all I can do!

Strength #7: Self Motivation

The pain face while working out alone

Being a swimmer for a good chunk of my life, I spent hours looking at a black stripe on the bottom of a pool. And in case you were wondering... It's not that exciting. Now don't get me wrong, I absolutely love swimming but there are definitely more exciting things that you can do than swim. However, swimming is a beautiful sport. It teaches you so much about yourself and helps to build your character. One of the greatest things for me that it did was teach me how to be self motivated.

Swimming although a team sport, is also a very individual sport. You have to be the one to push yourself in the pool day in and day out. Sure your coach can yell at you to swim faster and "get your head out of your a**" but when it comes down to it, the results you get reflect what you put into it. Throughout my high school career, I really had a coach who pushed me day in and day out of the pool, however, when I got to college that changed a little bit.

PR plates working their magic
by making things slightly
heavier everyday 

My college coach was amazing, don't get me wrong there, he helped me become a great swimmer and I loved my time swimming at SLU, but motivating his swimmers was not his strong suit. I quickly learned that when I was at practice, I would have to push myself day in and day out if I wanted to get better. Just going through the motions and completing practice wasn't going to make me any faster, but pushing myself to reach certain times on every set was what I needed to do to excel.

I am not sure if I had the most effective strategy, but I got very good at setting goal times for a set and trying to better them as I moved through it. I learned how to push through the pain when I was feeling crappy and to keep moving. Self motivating myself became a game and every practice I found a way to keep myself moving at the speed I needed to.

It became especially handy when I was a senior and I had to practice on my own often due to being in grad school and still swimming at a NCAA Division I program. Then I had to jump in the pool three afternoons a week by myself and find the motivation to make it through practice on my own. At first it was guilt that got me through the practices... Did I deserve to be on the team if I wasn't doing what everyone else was doing? But as I started to spend more and more time alone looking at the bottom of the pool my perspective changed. My motivation started to become the goal times I was reaching for and this made the time alone a little more bearable.

Self motivation includes
eating a healthy diet day in
and day out, even when
there is delicious food every
where around you

This skill of self motivation has really helped me while training alone in Champaign. Thankfully there are other people at the gym to at least talk to, but if I want to get the CrossFit Invictus work in (which I do), I have to do it on my own. Some of these workouts are extremely hard to do on your own or it would be very easy to take the parts out of them that I don't want to do because no one would know. But I would know and I know the parts of the workout that I don't want to do are my weaknesses. If I want to reach my goals this year, one of the biggest things I need to do is to train my weaknesses.

Some big ones for me right now are deadlifts (oh the dreaded deadlift) and then high volume of repetitive motions that used to really cause a lot of pain with my knee (wallballs, rebounding box jumps, lunges, lots of squat cleans). Thankfully my knee has been a lot better recently but still it is a big mental barrier for me to do these because I am unsure of how my knee is going to respond and I am tired of set backs.

Anyways, this past week I have been extremely proud of myself and my self motivation to do these crazy hard workouts. I am so tired and sore moving through things, but I feel like I am getting stronger mentally and physically. Self motivating myself has taken some effort but I have successfully completed all the workouts that I have needed to. It helps that I don't want to let my team at CrossFit St. Louis down, but it also helps that I don't want to let myself down. I have been working extremely hard this past year to reach some goals I set for myself and there is no stopping me now.

University of Illinois
Basketball game

Paleo pizza crust!

One of the great things about Champaign are the two families I know here. The family I am staying with has been incredible and have started making 3 paleo meals a week for me to eat with them. So far we have made paleo pizza, some delicious turkey burgers, and chicken fingers in almond flour! I went to a U of I gymnastics meet and basketball game this weekend and watched Pitch Perfect for the first time ever with them! So great! My dad's business partner who is basically my uncle and his family took me to see American Sniper, a great movie that makes you really think about a lot, and then I joined them for dinner. I am so blessed to have these people here, let me tell you.