Struggle #22: Am I Doing Enough?

This past weekend I had the opportunity to compete at the Springfield IceBreather Classic! This competition was a much needed for me. I have been beating myself up in the gym by myself for the past 4 weeks and with that leads to a lot of uncertainty and questioning of myself...

Am I training hard enough? Am I able to get in enough volume in limited timing? Am I trying to compact too many things in an hour? Is everyone in STL kicking my butt? Am I pushing myself hard enough? Should I be doing two-a-days everyday? Am I the only one who feels like crap? Will I be ready to put my best foot forward during the CrossFit Open?

Got Questions?
We have answers.

Yes, I am full of questions. The list above is not all inclusive, but it does include a lot of the questions that I have been asking myself about my training. It is incredibly hard training on my own. Especially when doing the programming from CrossFit Invictus, alone... daily. I know I am pushing myself as hard as I can, because my body is tired daily, but there is always that person in the back of my head saying could you have gone any faster? Most days the answer is "no" but I definitely question myself a lot.

And this is good and bad... It is good because it keeps me honest. It makes me work my hardest everyday. But it also is bad because constantly asking myself these questions can sometimes drive me insane. I have set goals for myself and one of those is to be on the CrossFit St. Louis regionals team. While that goal can not be achieved until I complete the CrossFit Open, this weekend showed me that it is definitely still achievable and that is what I needed to see for myself.

This weekend showed me that I am doing well with my training. I am able to hang with some of the top notch girls and this was exciting for me to see. It proved to me that all of the countless hours that I have spent in the gym alone have been worth it and my training isn't suffering. I was so relieved to see this!

Jen and I! 4th place finishers!

I also got to compete with my training partner Jen and if communication was part of the open, I have no doubt that we would both be on the regionals team.  We are literally able to move through a workout with no issues what-so-ever. When one person is tired, the other one steps in and vise-versa. In all four workouts we walked off the competition floor proud of each other and happy with our performances and that is the best feeling in the world. When you can seamlessly communicate it makes the workouts go so much smoother. I know this is something we need to work on as a team as well for regionals. While I may not be able to be at team training every week, I am excited to be in STL next weekend to train with all of my teammates for a few days!

One of the best parts was that I got to see a lot of my close friends from the gym. While texting is great, hugs and face to face communication are five hundred times better. Also one of my teammates and a fellow PT student helped me fix my back which has been bothering me for the past month! I feel so much better now! Glad we are finally putting our knowledge to use! I have missed all of my CrossFit friends a lot and I was so happy to see a group of them this past weekend! It gave me more fire to keep training hard and put in the work to be able to support and be on a team with these people. That's half the battle of a regionals team is team camaraderie!

Scooby snuggled in the couch

This weekend made CrossFit a lot more fun for me again. I really think it helped me realize that my training is not pointless. It has a purpose and every hour I put in by myself will be rewarded. It showed me that I am doing enough and I can relax a little bit and have some more fun with what I am doing! After all who likes to exercise for time for torture? It gave me hope for our regionals team because we keep showing that we are a force to be reckoned with and I am very excited to be a part of that! It showed me that I will be ready for the open when it comes and hopefully regionals and whatever lies beyond that.

Something that has really been helping me stay on top of my training is the family I am staying here with in Champaign. They have started to eat semi-paleo and the mom had decided to make 3 paleo meals a week. Let me tell you the food has been amazing and it has been fun watching them enjoy the food too! I take leftovers in for lunch daily and my co-workers are usually jealous of how good everything smells and looks. It has been such a blessing for me to have some healthy options in front of me, which helps decrease some of the cravings that I have... However the constant cookie dough may be a slight, yet delicious, problem. Haha oh well, you only live once.

On top of competing and seeing my friends, I also got to ride a horse this weekend! It was so much fun and something I haven't done in years! It was such a relaxing and fun experience and it gave me something exciting to do on my very lazy Sunday!

<-- Piper and I!

Random, yet needed summary of this post... the best thing this weekend showed me was that YES I am doing enough in regards to CrossFit and my training. I am doing my best and that's all I can do!

Strength #7: Self Motivation

The pain face while working out alone

Being a swimmer for a good chunk of my life, I spent hours looking at a black stripe on the bottom of a pool. And in case you were wondering... It's not that exciting. Now don't get me wrong, I absolutely love swimming but there are definitely more exciting things that you can do than swim. However, swimming is a beautiful sport. It teaches you so much about yourself and helps to build your character. One of the greatest things for me that it did was teach me how to be self motivated.

Swimming although a team sport, is also a very individual sport. You have to be the one to push yourself in the pool day in and day out. Sure your coach can yell at you to swim faster and "get your head out of your a**" but when it comes down to it, the results you get reflect what you put into it. Throughout my high school career, I really had a coach who pushed me day in and day out of the pool, however, when I got to college that changed a little bit.

PR plates working their magic
by making things slightly
heavier everyday 

My college coach was amazing, don't get me wrong there, he helped me become a great swimmer and I loved my time swimming at SLU, but motivating his swimmers was not his strong suit. I quickly learned that when I was at practice, I would have to push myself day in and day out if I wanted to get better. Just going through the motions and completing practice wasn't going to make me any faster, but pushing myself to reach certain times on every set was what I needed to do to excel.

I am not sure if I had the most effective strategy, but I got very good at setting goal times for a set and trying to better them as I moved through it. I learned how to push through the pain when I was feeling crappy and to keep moving. Self motivating myself became a game and every practice I found a way to keep myself moving at the speed I needed to.

It became especially handy when I was a senior and I had to practice on my own often due to being in grad school and still swimming at a NCAA Division I program. Then I had to jump in the pool three afternoons a week by myself and find the motivation to make it through practice on my own. At first it was guilt that got me through the practices... Did I deserve to be on the team if I wasn't doing what everyone else was doing? But as I started to spend more and more time alone looking at the bottom of the pool my perspective changed. My motivation started to become the goal times I was reaching for and this made the time alone a little more bearable.

Self motivation includes
eating a healthy diet day in
and day out, even when
there is delicious food every
where around you

This skill of self motivation has really helped me while training alone in Champaign. Thankfully there are other people at the gym to at least talk to, but if I want to get the CrossFit Invictus work in (which I do), I have to do it on my own. Some of these workouts are extremely hard to do on your own or it would be very easy to take the parts out of them that I don't want to do because no one would know. But I would know and I know the parts of the workout that I don't want to do are my weaknesses. If I want to reach my goals this year, one of the biggest things I need to do is to train my weaknesses.

Some big ones for me right now are deadlifts (oh the dreaded deadlift) and then high volume of repetitive motions that used to really cause a lot of pain with my knee (wallballs, rebounding box jumps, lunges, lots of squat cleans). Thankfully my knee has been a lot better recently but still it is a big mental barrier for me to do these because I am unsure of how my knee is going to respond and I am tired of set backs.

Anyways, this past week I have been extremely proud of myself and my self motivation to do these crazy hard workouts. I am so tired and sore moving through things, but I feel like I am getting stronger mentally and physically. Self motivating myself has taken some effort but I have successfully completed all the workouts that I have needed to. It helps that I don't want to let my team at CrossFit St. Louis down, but it also helps that I don't want to let myself down. I have been working extremely hard this past year to reach some goals I set for myself and there is no stopping me now.

University of Illinois
Basketball game

Paleo pizza crust!

One of the great things about Champaign are the two families I know here. The family I am staying with has been incredible and have started making 3 paleo meals a week for me to eat with them. So far we have made paleo pizza, some delicious turkey burgers, and chicken fingers in almond flour! I went to a U of I gymnastics meet and basketball game this weekend and watched Pitch Perfect for the first time ever with them! So great! My dad's business partner who is basically my uncle and his family took me to see American Sniper, a great movie that makes you really think about a lot, and then I joined them for dinner. I am so blessed to have these people here, let me tell you.

Struggle #21: Big Changes

I hate big changes. They scare me (as I have mentioned before) and I overthink them, a lot. This past week, I have had a few big changes and well let's just say it's been an unsettling week for me.

My car's decorations

First off, I had to leave my comfort zone on where I was living. For 5 months I will be spending the majority of my time in Champaign, IL and Kansas City, KS. I am away from the comforts of home in both St. Louis and Peoria. Sure I can travel back to either of them when I want and have the free time but it's exhausting traveling all the time and working a full time job (for free I might add). Thankfully my first one is close to Peoria so I can watch my little brother swim and see my family but again traveling.

Thankfully I am staying with a great family in Champaign and they have accepted me as one of theirs. The dogs love me and I think even their boys like me. I got my car snowballed by them today so I will be styling tomorrow. I am hoping that I find as good as a situation in KC, however, I am still working out all of the details.

Even though I have a great place to stay here in Champaign, it is still hard for me to be away from my family in STL. I had to accept the fact this week that the majority of the training I am going to do over the next five months may be by myself. I am still trying to follow the CrossFit Invictus training that CrossFit St. Louis competitors follow but this week has shown me that is going to be a challenge.

My gym for the next 9 weeks

Up until this week, I didn't realize how rare what CrossFit St. Louis has. We have a huge competitors class and are offered two times a day that we can go to it. Unfortunately none of the gyms here really have that. One kind of has a competitors class but it is at 9:30 a.m. and unfortunately with a job you can't really do that. Anyways, finding a place that will allow me to do extra programming has been a challenge. Thankfully the people at CrossFit Champaign Urbana are willing to work with me and let me do my own thing when I can. After the search I had looking for this, I am very grateful that they are willing to work with me. I know training by myself will be a challenge but I am focused and driven and I know what the end goal is here. I want to be on the CrossFit St. Louis Regionals team and I want to represent my gym well!

I also have started working for 9 weeks at Carle Clinic this past week. It has been a great experience so far (the total of a week), but I know that I have a lot of work to do in order to get to where I need to be as a physical therapist. I am nervous about accomplishing everything that needs to be done. I know that I can do it but it is just daunting to think about that I will be in the real world in 5 months so I better not screw this up.

Bella Bear. How can you
not say "awwwww"

With graduation from PT school comes taking the boards in order to become licensed. WOW. That is sneaking up and will require lots of studying. I am pretty sure all of my time the next 5 months will be spent working full time as a PT, working out in a gym, and studying. I need to get my head wrapped around this idea because it is fast approaching and I need to be ready to go. There is no backing down now on any of these endeavors.

Big changes in my life scare me. I know that they all come for a reason and make me stronger but it takes some time for me to adjust to them. I like my comfort zone, I know what I am doing and what's going to happen, for the most part... Thankfully I have wonderful people back in STL and Peoria that I can talk to whenever I want because this past week has been a transition for me. It's hard for me to adjust to all of these things and the more I look ahead, the scarier things get. But I know that as I go through all of these transitions, it is just preparing me for what lies ahead in life.

So while these changes seem daunting to me, I am trying to take each step one at a time. I know my support system will help me out but I also know that I have to do a lot of these things for myself as well. I am trying to approach these things with open arms, but I am finding it harder to do than expected. I miss everyone in STL and Peoria. I want to be back with them in my normal routine. I am thankful for the family I am staying with here because they are helping and they have two adorable, loving dogs, but it's still a transition. But I will get there. Slowly but surely.

New Year, Same Me, New Goals

Well 2014 has come and gone. It has been a great year for me. Many exciting things have happened but I am even more excited for the things that are coming up in 2015. This post I am going to reflect on the past year and focus on my future endeavors!

Cheers to finishing PT school
work! (or Kevin's birthday)

1. Probably one of the most exciting things in this past year is that I officially finished all of my classroom work for Physical Therapy school. The past summer and fall semesters I really started to relax when it came to studying and somewhat enjoy the process. Surprisingly this led to great grades and a confidence instilled in me that I know more than I think I do. I took a practice board exam in December and did relatively well on it so now I have to make the tough decision if I want to take boards in April or July. April means studying and clinicals, but July means a lot of studying after I officially graduate.

Oh on that topic! Hopefully I will be graduating in May of this year with my Doctorate of Phyiscal Therapy! I say hopefully because I still have to pass my clinical rotations in order to get there. But this shouldn't be a problem because SLU has prepared me so well! After graduation I will be on a job hunt! Hopefully I will be able to find somewhere that I can pursue my passion of being a physical therapist in a great environment.

12 Days of Christmas WOD

2. I found a deeper love for CrossFit. I was lucky enough to compete on CrossFit St. Louis's regionals team where we placed 4th in the North Central. This coming year we have a new focus on our team and we are hoping for bigger and better things. We know that it will take a lot of hard work and a little luck to get there though but we are ready to go to battle.

Also I have improved a lot as a competitive CrossFit athlete. I competed in many team competitions and had a blast doing so. Each one I walked away with a new lesson learned and something to work on. Probably the most beneficial competition I competed in was my first individual one in November and it left me hungry to compete in more. It is crazy how much you learn in these and how they can make you a better athlete. I met a lot of my goals in the gym this past year, which have led to some great rewards for myself... Giordano's pizza, a JUNK headband, and Pastaria in Clayton! Today I have been setting new goals for myself this coming year while thinking ahead of everything I want to accomplish. Just wait. There is always room for improvement in the sport of CrossFit so you can never rest on your laurels. First thing to work on... legless rope climbs.

My CrossFit goals for 2014

3. I have gained many new friends and "family" members in St. Louis. The beauty of CrossFit is the community atmosphere that exists in my gym. I have met so many new people over the past year and half of CrossFit and I have become close with many. Without the bonds that I have established this past year I am not sure where I would be right now! I am so grateful that I found such a great community in St. Louis and look forward to continuing to meet people in my gym. This coming semester I will be meeting a lot of new people as well because I will be traveling for my clinical experiences to Champaign and Kansas City. I am excited to live these journeys as well because you never know what may be in store for you! Of course keep you updated on all of my adventures!

A few of my new family memebers

4. I have completely revamped my diet this past year and have noticed significant changes in how I recover and feel throughout the day. While I have my ups and downs with what I eat, I can say about 70% of the time I eat pretty darn healthy. I am proud of myself for the hard work I put into this and the results I get out of this physically and mentally. Even while home for Christmas this year I felt I finally accomplished eating pretty darn well, something that is a challenge when no one else around you eats the same way.

Looking sexy before the
Christmas Party!

5. This year I have grown to become a more strong, independent young woman. I finally feel like I have some direction in my life and I am proud of the decisions I make, what I can do on my own, and who I am becoming. I feel like I am coming out of my shell and I feel like it is only taking me to new and exciting places.

6. The best thing about 2015 has been the changes I have made mentally more than anything. I finally feel comfortable in my own skin. I used to hate looking at myself in the mirror because my body wasn't just right in my mind, but this past year I have finally begun to see myself in a positive life. I know a lot of girls have self confidence problems because of the crazy images society puts out there for us. I feel like CrossFit is helping to change that image for the better and I am growing with that image as well. Having muscles, being able to lift heavy weight, and being strong is something to be proud of and not ashamed of anymore. I am finally able to look in the mirror and see myself as beautiful, because I am. I am hoping that society continues to move into the mindset that "strength is beautiful," but even if they don't, I now know that I can be proud of who I am. The hard work I put into the gym everyday, into my diet, and into life are things to be proud of and they help shape my body and mind in a positive way.

Overall 2014 has been a great year, but I know 2015 has a lot more in store for me. I can't wait to see what adventures life will take me on but I approaching them with open arms! Cheers!

Cheers!!!

My amazing brothers!