Struggle #15: Unanswered Questions

So I am sitting in Panera (or Bread Co. If you're a St. Louisian), in Springfiled, IL, blogging... Why? Because as I was driving home, I was thinking about things and I needed to write it all down to help me figure them out in my head. What exactly was I thinking about? Unanswered questions.

I HATE unanswered questions! They scare me. I don't like not knowing what is going to happen, why I am doing something, or the answer to a question. Something about this makes bothers and makes me think about it incessantly. A big question that has been bothering me all week, is why the water in bathroom sinks gets hot in like 5 seconds but it takes a minute for the kitchen sink water to get hot.  This makes no sense to me. It's the same situation, so what gives?

But in all seriousness, unanswered questions are something I like to steer clear from. Right now I am in my third year of PT school and I will be graduating in May.  Everyone always asks what do I want to do, where do I want to go, and do I feel ready to be a PT. I have NO idea.  I mean I kind of have an idea, but that seems like a long time away and I don't want to commit to anything because a lot can change between now and then. It scares the crap out of me that I don't know what I want yet but I'm hoping I can figure it out over the next few months. Some people in my class are so sure of their self but I have no clue! Ahhhh!

Why this whole thought process truly entered my mind today is because of one of my goals. I want to be be a sponsored CrossFit athlete. I have been working my butt off in the gym daily. I have had my set backs (specifically my knee right now) and I definitely have my weaknesses, but I also have my strengths and I think I have potential in this sport. I have had a few people tell me I have potential and recently, I have started to believe them and believe in myself. (I am not trying to gloat here or say that I am some amazing CrossFitter because I am not. I am just trying to write as honestly as I can.) All of the great CrossFitters are sponsored by big name CrossFit companies.  It is a way that they get
their name out there and help further themselves in the sport. I want to get my name out there and represent a great company. I want to continue to CrossFit and compete at higher levels.

I don't know if this is something I can achieve or not, but I have to try. I set this goal for myself a little while ago. I originally started to try to market myself, but then I got scared because I kept asking myself, what if I am not good enough? What if these companies look at me at me and think I am a joke and silly for even trying?  Am I someone that companies want to represent their products? Again, more questions that I don't know the answer to.

Earlier today, it was brought to attention that I had stopped trying to market myself, and why? I could make a ton of excuses but really when it comes down it, I'm scared of the unanswered question if someone wants me to represent them or not.  It's scary putting yourself out there, but sometimes you have to "just do it."

If I don't try then how can I be proud of myself? How could I set a goal and then not following through on it? A big thing that bothered me is how can I be a role model for all of "my girls" that look up to me in Peoria? I have coached them in swimming for 8 years and have always taught them to set goals, work hard toward them, and to have fun while doing it. I have always told them to reach high and often times have pushed them to reach even farther than they think they can. If they fail, I am still so proud of them for all of their hard work and dedication that they put toward reaching their goals.

So I am going to take some of my own advice here and reach for the stars. I don't know if I will be able to achieve being a sponsored CrossFit athlete just yet, but I am going to try very hard to get there. I am going to try to achieve my goal and if I fail, I will be proud of myself for trying and not quitting on myself. I will just have to accept that sometimes questions will be unanswered and the only way to answer them is to put the work in yourself.